My pregnancy journey that ended in heartache……

Hello, my name is Alison and I want to introduce myself. I am the mother to 3 precious children and have a wonderful, supportive husband. We are a regular, normal family – my husband and I love our children more than anything in this world and knew that we wanted a 4th child. We prayed that God would bless us with another baby and that’s where our journey began.

When our youngest son turned 4, I started having baby fever – for all you ladies, you know what I mean! I watched how quickly my children were growing and I knew that I wanted another child. I began praying that God would bless us with another baby. Month after month would go by and I was almost sad when I would start my period because I knew that was another month that I wasn’t pregnant.

Around Thanksgiving of 2013, I noticed that I was late but I wasn’t getting my hopes up. I waited for 2 weeks before I took a pregnancy test (longest 2 weeks ever) and was elated when it turned out positive. The emotions of “Oh my word, we are having another baby!” and the emotions of “Oh my word – we are having another baby” were running high. I was so excited and wanted to tell the world but knew I better sit tight on my news.

With my other pregnancies, I was sick almost the entire pregnancy – there were only a few days that I felt “good”. I noticed with this pregnancy that my energy level was super high (like Energizer Bunny high), my appetite increased dramatically and I was like, finally, a good pregnancy! Christmas was closing in and I so badly wanted to tell my family but I knew that I still had to keep quiet.

Christmas Eve, we were sitting at a friend’s house and I noticed that my stomach was cramping and uncomfortable. I figured that I had just eaten something weird or I was exhausted from all of the festivities. In the back of my mind, I thought something wasn’t right but I just continued on.

Christmas Day, I still didn’t feel right. The cramping was pretty strong and I had to put on a fake smile so no one would notice. By the end of the night, I knew in my heart that this wasn’t normal so I told my husband we should probably go to the doctor the next day.

I was lying on the table in the ultrasound office and remembering how excited I was when I saw my other children for the first time. The technician came in and she started the exam. I remember looking at the screen and nothing was there – absolutely nothing. She looked puzzled and kept searching but again, nothing to be found. She looked at me sadly and said she was so sorry but there was no baby. “What do you mean no baby?” I asked her, so confused on what was happening. This had never happened before and I almost felt dumb for not knowing what was going on. While she was getting a doctor for me to see, I went to the bathroom and began bleeding intensely. I knew that something was so wrong but again, had no clue what was happening to me.

I was sitting in the doctor’s office in a state of confusion. He wasn’t my normal doctor so I had no clue who he was. He came in hastily and had this odd look on his face. He bluntly asked me, “So why do you think you were pregnant?” I was hurt that he was using terms like “were” because I was still so confused. He looked at me like I was some crazy woman that didn’t know anything about pregnancy and I sat there almost speechless. I told him all of the pregnancy symptoms I was having (no doc, I’m NOT crazy!) and he shook his head. He explained that I was most likely having a chemical pregnancy, which meant that we conceived a baby but the baby didn’t live past a day or two. My body still told me I was pregnant, even though I really wasn’t pregnant anymore.

I sat there in disbelief and asked him what I had to do from this point. I had blood work drawn that day and my count showed that I was definitely pregnant. I had to come back each week for blood work until my count showed that I was no longer pregnant. Walking in each week made me so upset and after the 3rd visit, I honestly started to avoid their phone calls and almost refused to get the last test. In my mind, going for that last test would completely confirm that I wasn’t having a baby. A baby that was due on my birthday – a baby that I already loved – a baby that I couldn’t wait to meet.

New Year’s came and went and for some reason, I didn’t want to tell anyone what had happened – not even my mom and I tell her everything. I don’t know why I didn’t tell anyone – I am an open book and not shy about talking to people. But this felt odd – the word “miscarriage” wasn’t in my vocabulary and I truly did not know what I was supposed to do or say.

There was only one person that I knew would understand because she had been through a miscarriage just a few months before. I was always sad for her but did not know what she had truly been through – until now. I called her and told her that I finally understood how she felt and I was so sad for her loss. We cried together and that was a bond that we had – a bond that I did not want to share with my friend. Friends are supposed to bond over fun things like favorite movies, fun times, favorite restaurants – not miscarriages.

As I began 2014, I prayed that God would reveal His plan to us and if it was His will, that we would be blessed with another baby. More to come….

Thank you for letting me share my story with you,

God Bless,

Alison

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